Unschooling and Boundaries, Limits and Rules

In The UK Unschooling Network Facebook group, we ask that members examine the concepts of boundaries, limits and rules so that they have a good understanding of the issues involved.

A note on terminology:

 The words 'boundaries', 'rules' and 'limits' may mean broadly the same sort of thing and may therefore be used interchangeably. However they may also be used convey subtly different ideas. Rather than getting caught up in an ultimately fruitless discussion about definitions, we urge readers to simply strive to understand what the writer means.

Boundaries, Limits and Rules:

At first glance, it could look complicated and this because boundaries, rules or limits can be both good and bad. Boundaries (limits) are both necessary for all healthy relationships and for people's mental good health and are therefore a necessary element of unschooling, but they can also be completely anathema to unschooling. How to know the difference?

When are boundaries, limits and rules compatible with unschooling?

Unschooling boundaries, limits and rules are those which make sense to all those involved, and all involved are happy to abide by them completely freely. So, if a parent or child suggests a rule, eg: “as this is a shared space, could everyone please put their shoes in the shoe box so we don't fall over them all the time”, if all participants agree that this is transparently sensible and are freely happy to abide by that rule, then it is completely unschooling.

Further, a boundary, limit or rule, being understood by all concerned for the purpose it serves, (eg: to respect the privacy of another), would not be an inflexible rule delivered by diktat, but would rather be something that carries explanatory force, would be up for discussion by both parties and would be mutable if new information came up.

When are boundaries and rules not compatible with unschooling?

Boundaries that would not be compatible with unschooling are those that are imposed against the will of the other person.

Let’s use an example of a parent who is not unschooling who tries to impose a rule that the child only watch an hour of TV a day. Of course this rule is extremely unlikely to arise in an unschooling family but the unschooling nature of the rule is only fully confirmed at the point at which the child does not agree with the parent that this is a sensible rule. A rule is only definitively not unschooling when there someone does not agree with it. Not understanding the rule on some level, either rationally or emotionally or both, means that the child’s learning is inhibited. This is anti-educational and is not unschooling!

To compound the damage to learning, this sort of boundary is likely to prevent the child learning other information that is precluded by the boundary.

Sensible unschooling boundaries and what happens if these are breached:

We each set our own natural boundaries, whether we realise it or not. These can be thought of as the physical space between and around people, but also the emotional space. Both of these natural boundaries usually grow between child and parent as the child gets older and more independent and capable. An unschooling parent will make every effort to respect these boundaries as part of the unschooling process. Respecting these boundaries will mean that the relationship can be trusting and safe and through having experience of a healthy relationship, a child will know should their boundaries be infringed. This will almost certainly be a useful skill in life.

Conversely, parents who fail to recognise their child's boundaries and repeatedly breach them are not only not unschooling, they may also cause damage to the child's mental health and to their relationship. The child can feel unsafe and untrusting, even losing faith in their own ability to set healthy boundaries.

Examples of parental breaching of a child's natural boundaries could be:

 - entering the child's personal space (e.g. bedroom) without the child's permission.
 - reading the child's private journal
 - insisting on a discussion that the child does not want to have.

These sorts of boundaries are therefore worth respecting and are essential components of unschooling.

What to do if there is a disagreement about the merits of a boundary:

In the situation that a boundary is not welcomed and is not understood, there are various ways that an unschooling family can set out to solve this problem. Given that parents bear the responsibility to educate their children, it is their duty to seek out consensual solutions, though any participant may come up with a solution. Family members may have to be very creative - may really need to push themselves to think outside the box in order to come up with a solution with which all are happy. This is sometimes difficult, but this is, at least in part, what the Facebook group The UK Unschooling Network is for: to test unwanted boundaries to see if they really are non-arbitrary or not, and to seek new solutions that would be consensual.

It is amazing what a little bit of creative thinking and the "hive mind" can achieve, so if you are stuck with an apparently non-arbitrary boundary, ask away!